Originally posted 2009-11-10 at https://inpixels09.wordpress.com/2009/11/10/logic/

theres a thing i do when im in a quiet moment, where i touch the pads of my fingers to eachother in rhythm, in a pattern- odds connect, waterfall then evens connect, repeat. its always a pattern i can repeat. i think ive been at it ever since piano lessons at age 7, or so. it helps me reason all my things through.

I used to ride the train to school in the morning, to the next valley over. plenty of time to tap my fingers while i waited, plenty of time to think as well. all in all, it was about 10 minute bike ride from my house to the station, a 25 minute train, then a 25 minute walk to my school. so, adding this all up, we get an hour commute, but luckily, a good portion of it was outdoors.

i walked out a few days ago and had to come back inside to grab a sweater, to put under my jacket. that day, I was a wizened old man, blowing smoke rings of my own breath as i waited for the train. its getting colder outside.

i trained and walked most of the time with a girl, initially introduced to me as my host sister’s friend, named Erina. She’s shorter than i am, slight and quiet but polite. very japanese, you might even say. she got on the train a few stops before me, and we walked alongside until school. I made the effort to talk to her, as its a long way to go. morning is a good time to ponder, and i am fresh so always wanted to attack it, once more. maybe through conversation, ill get a better look at why, i think, because tapping my fingers and wondering takes me only so far.

while we walked early that morning down the main avenue of Matsumoto, i mentioned seifuku- the uniforms we all wear to school. Matsushou Gakuens consist of a red, green and gold tie with black checkered (plaid? perpendicular stripes? not very good at this game…) pants and a coat. most girl uniforms are made out to look like a sailor might have at some point, or as the formal navy uniforms go these days- a square piece of cloth folded over the back, and a skirt. (im pretty sure that the navy omits the skirt, though, and maybe the tights.) i asked her what she thought about them, but it was hard to get an answer, so i told her how i felt. I am not such a fan.

this is a pretty standard debate, i think i even saw it on the example japanese AP exam last spring when i was surfing the web. she tells me it saves time and money, which is true, she always knows what she is wearing the next day. she doesnt waste time pondering it. I guess she doesnt worry about rejection, either… women.

I thought- told her she was welcome to wear the same thing every day, but im sure plenty of people had other ideas, other things they wanted so they might feel differentiated. didnt they?

in japan, if you have something you want to say, you dont quite say it directly. I asked her how she felt about not having this ability, and she didnt think it was bad. in fact, she liked it better than the way i described america… but having only travelled to taiwan, on a school trip, hard to get the picture. i asked her if she felt silenced, but, being without extensive individual identity from the time of her birth, kept mostly inside the boundaries of ‘normal,’ she doesnt have much new to say… and she agreed with me on this. and i felt logically defeated.

i find it funny that english books treat me like hard drugs; Its my way of escape from things i hear. I tell myself im going to go a day without thinking in english, and i always come crawling back. i feel isolated, on the outside of whatever it is that everyone here is in on, and i come crawling back. ill pick up and read, then find myself lost and clueless for the next hour, trying to catch up with nagano slang- my old host family told me i needed to stop, when i told them about the effects on my language skills… i started to hoard them in my room. the closest thing i can get to a real book in japanese is a book for elementary schoolers, because it has the pronunciation of the chinese characters written in the columns, trailing top-down, right-left, the way they read over here.

and lately, im thinking really hard about starting a big, fat, padded volume. funnily, its all about addiction, or so ive been told.

there are things i cant prove or reason because my way of logic doesnt reach them. but others, in an odd way, finally reason themselves to me, and then a sick feeling of what reality might be clouds my vision, and i might sit down and read until i feel like coming out. I cant tell you directly why people everyday restrain themselves from their own freedom because of unwritten rules for slight reasons… it seems sometimes like society here is a separate plane, held up on stilts which we all support. i dont know why one would want to create a fake reality of rules and padded human experience. but then again, reality is full of pain, eh?

I planned on taking a shower tonight, so went in and stripped down to the greasy skin. it was cold like a bitch! i couldnt figure how to turn the hot water on, so i ended up washing my legs down with freezing water, then my hair and walking out because im sure this has been explained numerous times before and was too embarassed to ask. so now, my head is still recovering, middle is still greasy and feet are under the heated blanket we keep in the middle of the living room. I can only laugh, and i think naohiro might get the joke.

now, i have moved into my new host family and new environment. a senior friend from the weight room told me hed love to have me after i talked to him one night, and i have been here since that friday. my jolly, round mother and ex-sumo wrestler turned shy badass little brother were also glad to have me, welcomed me in. in 5 days, 3 trips to onsen hot springs; every night we talk about something, like jazz music, (the mom is a jazz vocalist, the passed away father was a drummer) origins of music, india, indian cuisine, the difference between american ‘indians’ and real, legit indians. i explained that columbus thought that america was india and therefore the scantily clad civilization he saw was full of indians… i always thought this was ridiculous, but they nodded and seemed to think it was a reasonable explanation. like that explained it all. ruined the damn punch line.

My new house is in the city of matsumoto, at the top of a hill on the outer edge of the valley, a 12 minute bikeride downhill with friggin freezing air pushing back my tufted hair. (i got a japanese hair cut, and naohiro showed me how to wax it up like a man.) its cold in the mornings, but at home with the heat turned on, naohiro, ryouhei and i walk around the house without shirts until bedtime.

Comments (7)

Jan Hack — 2009-11-11

I love this: and YES start Infinite Jest!!! Please post photo of new hair (greasy, waxy or otherwise!)

D — 2009-11-11

Love the image of blasting downhill in the cold morning air! Sounds like a nice family too. Right on!!

Julia — 2009-11-11

Jay!!

It has been such a treat to read your entries! I can’t believe how incredible it is that you are having this experience. It sounds so interesting and challenging and I can’t imagine someone better than you to take it on. From what I can gather you are appreciating the small and everyday experiences which is good. The elements of isolation must be hard. I know that I felt so far away from home when I was in India, despite it being very similar in many ways to the US, and the fact that I was only their for 6 weeks. The reading thing makes a lot of sense to me too. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to read English books though. I remember my Grandma telling me that she couldn’t stop reading when she went to Germany for the summer.

Life in Ann Arbor is pretty normal for life in Ann Arbor. Compared to your life it is probably pretty boring too. Claire and Eliot made Indian food the other day. We are going to NY for Thanksgiving and I am visiting Columbia so hopefully we can see Charlie. Its starting to get cold, although yesterday was really nice and the leaves are beautiful.

You are so crazy awesome for doing this. You must be learning so much, whether it’s about yourself or about Japan, or about the US. I hope you can continue to take things one day at a time, especially since it will be over before you know it. I am so excited to hear all all about it, but I am sure I will talk to you again before you come home.

Love,

Julia

Jay — 2009-11-11

yeah, morning bike rides are a good time. today, it was raining like a bitch though, so we walked 10 mins to the bus station and rode it to about half a km away from school totally soaked! you could tell who rode the train and who had their parents drop them off by who was wearing those wearing their uniforms, and those in their gym shorts!

Jay — 2009-11-11

im on it. we have these pretty intense styling sessions in the morning, taking anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour before school… its all about feeling the collective energy in the room, the culmination of our two personalities transposed onto hair. if i knew what words like ‘baroche’ meant, i would probably apply them here. but yeah, we leave the house looking pretty damn pretty.

look out for it tomorrow night-

Mace — 2009-11-15

Jay – I just read all your blogs at a sitting to catch up on your adventure. You’re clearly getting a lot out of this experience. Though it has not been all smooth, I’m certain you’ll look back on it as something worth doing, perhaps life-changing. I’m proud of you for having the cajones to challenge yourself in this way. It bodes well for a long life well-lived.

xxoo

Mace

PS I want to see the hair too.

PSS Any wildlife over there? Birds?

Jay — 2009-11-19

hey, thanks for encouragement. always good to hear from you guys!

i think the closest thing ive come to bird-watching was a hotspring full of monkeys- these litte things actually hang out in the bath when it gets cold outside. it was hillarious and creepy at the same time to see these things that looked like very small, hairy humans… (but in other words no, i havent seen any cool birds yet. is there something i should be looking for?)

enjoy the fall weather! much love-

-J